Odenton Genial Genealogists
Instructions
Do you have a good hint, tip, trick, fact, joke or other short tidbit that you would like to share?  Please email it to the webmaster for consideration.
 
Filter by Category:
Listings Per Page: 

Listings: 1 to 31 of 31
1.  
A woman was driving along a highway in the southwestern U.S. when she spotted an elderly Native American woman ahead. She thought to herself, maybe this woman would like a ride. She stopped by the woman and asked if she needed a ride. The old woman nodded yes. Then she asked the woman where she needed to go, the woman told her, and was invited into the car. They drove for quite a while and the old woman didn't say a word and just looked straight ahead. Finally, she looked toward the back seat and saw a bright, multi-colored blanket on the rear seat. She asked the driver, "What is that?" The driver said, "Oh, I got that for my husband." The old woman thought for a second, then said, "Good trade!"
[Located in Category: Humor]
2.  
All the guys were at deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night it was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!", he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom!
[Located in Category: Humor]
3.  
A tourist in Hawaii asks a local man, "How do you pronounce the name of this place? Is it Hawaii or Havaii?" The guy answers, "Havaii". The tourist says, "Thanks." The guy says, "You're Velcome."
[Located in Category: Humor]
4.  
A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He orders a beer and then proceeds to drink it. After a few minutes, he inexplicably stands up, looks around, then says, "LBJ is a horse's rear". A patron comes over, grabs him roughly and throws him out the door. A few minutes later, the man comes back in, goes back to his stool and resumes with his drink. A short while later, he again stands up and then says, "LBJ and Lady Bird are both horse's rears". This time a few men approach him, hit him, and toss him outside. Minutes later, the man again comes back, returns to his stool, and resumes with his drink. A while later, he stands up and says, "LBJ, Lady Bird, Lynda Bird and all of the other Johnsons are horse's rears". This time nearly everyone in the bar gets up and pummels the poor man. Then they throw him out on the street. Many minutes later, the man again enters the bar, slowly crawls toward his stool, pulls himself up and resumes with his drink. When the bartender comes by, the man says, "I am so sorry for causing such a disturbance. I didn't know this was Johnson country". The bartender looks at him and says, "Johnson, hell - this is horse country!"
[Located in Category: Humor]
5.  
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I"ll turn into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!"
[Located in Category: Humor]
6.  
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither. Let's just lie here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, than a big, fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
[Located in Category: Category 1 (Public)]
7.  
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
[Located in Category: Humor]
8.  
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?", she asked. "......Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?", he asked. "Yes, I do", she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes. I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?' ." "Yes, I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."
[Located in Category: Humor]
9.  
This is a lesson in punctuation and how you can screw it up if you don't pay attention to it: Version 1 Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Gloria ----- Version 2. Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria
[Located in Category: Humor]
10.  
A blonde goes to a fast food restaurant for a cup of coffee. While sipping it, she looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off game piece. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won a motor home! I won a motor home!". A waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible, the biggest prize given away was a minivan!" The blonde replies, "No, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" Next the manager makes his way over to the table and explains, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't offer that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake. I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" With that, she hands the prize ticket to the manager to read for himself. Sure enough, the ticket read, "WIN A BAGEL!"
[Located in Category: Humor]
11.  
A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were first in space!" The American said, "We were first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
[Located in Category: Humor]
12.  
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
[Located in Category: Humor]
13.  
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
[Located in Category: Humor]
14.  
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly twenty pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean? asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
[Located in Category: Humor]
15.  
Letter to Dad by an Arab Sheik student: Dear Dad, Berlin is a wonderful city. Germans are nice and I really like it here. But, Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my gold Mercedes when all my professors travel by train. Your Son, Nasser Response by his Dad: Loving Son, I just transferred twenty five million dollars to your bank account. Please stop embarrassing our family, go and get yourself a train, too. Your Dad
[Located in Category: Humor]
16.  
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, Florida, he a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration',she answered "Yes. Yes, I will !" The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to his telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no?" He was delighted to hear her say "Why, I said yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
[Located in Category: Humor]
17.  
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the Weather Service again replied., "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
[Located in Category: Humor]
18.  
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Man: "Hello?'" Woman: "Honey it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?" Man: "Sure ... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver." Man: "How much?" Woman: "$90,000." Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great. Oh, and just one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Man: "Wow ,,, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000." Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
[Located in Category: Humor]
19.  
Did you hear that Mattell is coming out with a new doll! It is called Divorce Barbie. It comes with Ken's house.
[Located in Category: Humor]
20.  
A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in the exam room. First thing she says: "Well, Mr. Smith, as we discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss."
[Located in Category: Humor]
21.  
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
[Located in Category: Humor]
22.  
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
[Located in Category: Humor]
23.  
The economy is so bad I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
[Located in Category: Humor]
24.  
Boudreaux was bragging to his boss one day, "I know 'bout everybody there is to know. Just name somebody, anybody, and I bet I know them for sure." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Boudreaux, how about Tom Cruise?" "Crash and I are like old friends and I'll prove it," Boudreaux said. So Boudreaux and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Boudreaux! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Boudreaux's Boss was still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Boudreaux that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "That so?" asks Boudreaux, "No, no, just name anybody else," "President Obama," his Boss quickly replies. "Ah yes, my good buddy, yea!", Boudreaux says. "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, the President spots Boudreaux on the tour and motions him and his Boss over, saying "Boudreaux, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's gave a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the Boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Boudreaux, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope,", his Boss replies. "He and I go way back. For sure I know him!" says Boudreaux. So off they fly to Rome. Boudreaux and his Boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Boudreaux says, "Well this is never gonna work. How am I gonna catch the Pope's eye down here among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards. I'm going to run up them stairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's Basilica. Sure enough, half an hour later, Boudreaux emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Boudreaux returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his Boss's side, Boudreaux asks him, "What happened?" His Boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's on the balcony with Boudreaux?"
[Located in Category: Humor]
25.  
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember that I left my wallet and credit card there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home and when I get there, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
[Located in Category: Humor]
26.  
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!, he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising its paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant, the atheist cried out" "Oh, my God!.." Time stopped The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to he[p you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest returned. And then the bear lowered its paw, bowed its head and spoke" "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive."
[Located in Category: Humor]
27.  
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news." "Oh dear. What's the bad news?",asks the patient. The doctor replies. "You have only 24 hours to live." "That's terrible", says the patient. ":How can anything be worse than that?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
[Located in Category: Humor]
28.  
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn't ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And, as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipe and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years."
[Located in Category: Humor]
29.  
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT due to Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with cars. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all of the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
[Located in Category: Humor]
30.  
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st Century.", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my IPad." I can tell you this much. That fly never knew what hit him.
[Located in Category: Humor]
31.  
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."
[Located in Category: Humor]